In my coaching practice, I am very often confronted with the relationship problem of feelings disappearing. He or she says they have no more feelings for their partner. What is behind this and how can the dynamic be reversed?
First of all, feelings are constantly changing. It’s in their nature. They come and go and take turns. At the same time, we all have the right to have a happy relationship with a partner that we are emotionally attracted to, who we are in love with. How do we reconcile the contradictory nature of feelings with this ideal? And what do we do when the feelings are suddenly gone, be it with ourselves or with our partner?
Feelings change over the course of a relationship
As a rule, a relationship begins with a phase of moderate to intense infatuation. We have butterflies in our stomachs, we are excited, delighted by our new partner. We want to spend every free minute together and envision this for the rest of our lives. This phase of falling in love usually ends after 1 to 2 years. We grow used to our partner which is no longer as “new” as they once were to us. We know him or her much better and deeper and are familiar with each other which is the exchange for that new and mysterious person we fell for in the beginning. The fireworks of hormones that initially helped us to bridge our differences to a completely different person are wearing off.
Romantic feelings are at the beginning of many relationships
Instead of being in love, the natural phase that follows is characterized by feelings such as intimacy, comfort, reliability, and partnership. There may still be some moments of infatuation left over. Even if we don’t always have access to it in every situation, this core can still shine through. This exists with older couples, even after many years and decades which is evidence that partnership is not only based on feelings.
A true partnership becomes more and more complex over time. In the beginning it was all about the couple themselves, but through time, more and more elements are added. A common everyday life. Our partner’s friends and our own, it becomes a shared living. The relationship can become charged with increasing complexity. If it works well, both partners see this as an enrichment. Often, however, there are also more or less clear conflicts that have to be overcome as the “relationship space” continues to grow. Especially when it comes to marriage, children and shared property.
The couple level often falls by the wayside
Very often the level of the couple, this innocent “you and me” unencumbered by everyday worries, falls by the wayside under the weight of real world worries, children’s screams, the stress of careers and jobs, and everyday life. Couples or single partners often come to my coaching and tell me how suddenly one of the partners realizes that he or she no longer wants this life and is questioning the relationship. Sometimes one of the partners is at the point where separation seems the only way out. It is almost always worthwhile to look one level deeper.
Why have feelings changed?
At what point did we take a wrong turn as a couple? And how can we manage to open up to each other again? If you don’t ask yourself these questions and look quickly for the most simple solution as in a separation, this may possibly hinder your ability to ever maintain a long-term relationship, because sooner or later such crises occur in every relationship. The good news is that feelings often come back.
“My feelings for you have changed”
There is hardly a worse sentence in a relationship than “We need to talk. I’m not sure anymore if my feelings for you are enough”. You are now at a turning point. Either the relationship ends. Or you manage to overcome the challenge and take the relationship to a new level. The nasty thing is: such problems often only come to light when the problem is already quite acute. The partner who tells the other that he or she no longer has feelings is often at the point where he or she has decided to break up. In such case, I recommend that the partners pull themselves together and make another massive attempt to save the relationship. Because you can always separate. In many cases, however, the relationship can be saved.
Typical relationship constellations in which feelings disappear
The fact that a partner’s feelings are suddenly gone can happen at practically any time. However, there are a few times when it’s particularly common in my experience. As a rule, these are times when a major change is imminent or a transition to the next level of the relationship is imminent or has taken place. Typical times are:
- The transition from the infatuation phase to the relationship phase (i.e. after about 12 to 24 months of the relationship)
- The first shared apartment or home
- The birth of a child. This does not necessarily have to be the first child. Severe relationship crises often only occur after the birth of the second or third child, because the demands on the family system and the organizational effort increase significantly with each child.
- Other serious change (e.g. marriage or the transition from a long-distance relationship to an on-site relationship or significant professional changes, transition to retirement age)
- Excessive stress (caring for or losing a loved one, unemployment, illness).
These events almost always put a relationship under some kind of serious pressure to adjust, adapt or conform. The danger is that the adjustment to the new situation may appear to succeed, because everyday life more or less works. What is decidedly neglected, however, are the needs of the partner, both as an individual and on the couple level. This can create an enormous pressure that builds up more and more. When it finally gets to the point where a partner is no longer sure of their feelings, the partner often wants to break out of their previous life and call it off.
When and how the feelings come back
In my work with individual partners who require coaching, I have learned one thing above all throughout the years. Feelings that are perceived as gone can absolutely come back. The feelings for a partner are usually not really gone, but are more so buried under a huge mountain of habit, unspecific stress, no longer seeing or appreciating each other. Both partners involved often lose their access to their own masculinity or femininity. Sometimes unhealthy patterns set in between the partners, often the man becomes the “eldest child” to a certain extent, or the woman takes on the role of the responsible doer in a very extreme way, which she needs to manage in everyday life. The feelings usually don’t come back on their own, but only if and when at least one of the partners makes a courageous attempt to bring the relationship back into balance. The first step is to understand and analyze the conflict as precisely as possible.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- When and where did you “take a wrong turn” as a couple?
- How bad is it? Is the separation already in the air or is your partner not yet questioning the relationship?
- How can you “reconnect” with your partner? How can you best support your partner, help him or her to reduce pressure and tension and at the same time strengthen the level as a couple?
Having relationship problems like this is like having a serious illness. In the beginning you can almost always save the relationship with very small interventions. However, if you let it run for a long time and don’t radically counteract it, a lot of damage will occur, which will sooner or later lead to a very high probability of separation. If you feel your relationship is in serious jeopardy, don’t be afraid to seek outside help. In an individual coaching by phone or video chat, I can help you to analyze the conflict in detail and to bring it back under control. At the same time, we make sure that you can spend quality time together again, that you can live your everyday life in harmony with your male or female energy and you see each other as a couple again (and not just as parents or drained working drones).
It is very important to approach any changes in behavior cautiously. Otherwise the partner reacts angrily for two reasons.
- He or she doesn’t think the changes are really stable, but thinks you’re just making temporary changes to prevent the breakup.
- The partner often reacts angrily that the changes are “only now” and “much too late.” It is important that your partner sees that YOU also have a need to change something in the relationship. YOU are not the problem. You are the companion who clears away the obstacles together with your partner.
If you manage to enter into a cautious alliance with your partner here, then you are on the right track. Sometimes it turns out in the course of the process that your partner is angry with you, for example because you are not present with him or her, and you both live very disconnected with each other and your partner does not feel seen. Or your partner is disappointed and bitter. If you remove this secret from pent-up “negative feelings” step by step, the feelings of warmth, love, affection and longing almost always come up again from underneath.
It usually takes a few weeks for “the feelings to come back,” sometimes it can take a little longer. In any case, it is almost always worth trying to save the relationship. I am happy to support you personally in the context of coaching. Contact me for more.