I sent a message to a woman once. We had been seeing each other for a few weeks, and I had noticed a pattern. Every time I invited her to do something, the answer was the same. Not no. Not yes. Something in between.
"I might be free." "Maybe, let me see." "I don't mind either way."
She meant all of these as soft yeses. I know that now. She was interested. She wanted to see me. She was just being careful, or polite, or whatever word she would have used to describe it.
But here is what I heard.
I heard: you are not a priority. There are all kinds of other things more important than you. You come at the very bottom of my list. If some time is left over, then by chance I might see you.
I know that is not how she meant it. But that is what landed.
Women and men communicate differently. This is not a judgment. It is a fact that has consequences.
A woman's natural language is indirect. Soft invitations. Hints. The space between the words. She says "I might be going to that place later" and she means "I hope you will be there and I want you to notice me." She says "maybe" and she means "I want to say yes but I am afraid." She says "I don't mind either way" and she means "I care very much but I don't want to seem like I care too much."
This language works beautifully between women. They understand it. They read the signals. They know what the spaces mean.
Men do not speak this language. They are not being obtuse. They are not failing to try. They genuinely do not hear what is in the spaces. When a man is interested in a woman, she can see it. There is no ambiguity. He is direct. He shows up. He asks. He says what he wants.
When you speak the indirect language to a man, he hears the literal words. And the literal words often say the opposite of what you mean.
I wrote her a message about this. I want you to read it, because it is the clearest translation I know.
I wrote:
When I invite you to see me, I want to hear two things. First: that you are excited to see me, and can't wait to be with me. I know you are, but I like to hear it. It makes me feel warm. Second: a clear yes or no.
"Maybe" and "might" subcommunicate something you don't mean. They say: I really don't know if I want to see you. You are not a priority. There are all kinds of other things more important than you. You come at the very bottom. If some time is left over, then by chance I might see you.
I know that is not how you mean it. But that is what he hears.
A clear yes is a sign of respect. And respect matters.
This is not a lesson in how to please a man. It is a translation. If you want to communicate with someone, you speak their language. And in his language, "maybe" means "you don't matter to me."
There is something else worth understanding here, something that Alison Armstrong, who has studied over ten thousand men since 1994, has spoken about.
One of the most common reasons a good man does not propose is not that he doesn't love her. It is that he has concluded, from her reactions, that he cannot make her happy. That he is not what she actually wants.
He watches how she responds when he invites her. He watches whether she lights up or gives him a lukewarm maybe. He watches whether she shows up in a good mood or seems like she is doing him a favour by being there. And from all of this, he builds a picture: is this a woman who wants me? Can I make her happy?
If the picture says no, if the signals he is reading say she is not that excited, not that interested, not that sure, he draws his conclusion quietly. He does not tell her. He just stops moving toward a future with her.
He was not wrong to want to know. He was reading the information you were giving him.
The first six months of a relationship are a test drive. Both of you are doing it, whether you acknowledge it or not. He is finding out: is she reliable? Does she show up when she says she will? Does she show up in a good mood, ready to be present? Does she treat time with me as a priority, or as something that happens if nothing better comes along?
Everything you do in those months communicates who you are and how it will be if he signs up for more of this. Not because he is calculating. Because he is paying attention.
If you want him to take you seriously, give him something serious to read.
You do not have to become someone you are not. You do not have to perform enthusiasm you do not feel. But if you feel it, show it. Clearly. In his language.
A clear yes. A face that lights up when he walks in. The absence of "maybe" when what you mean is "absolutely."
That is not losing your power. That is using it.